Dear CLC Elders and Community,
In advance of the GRACE Report release, I've decided for my healing process that I would like to share my identity as RV2 in the report with you, and the larger CLC community.
Being included in the report is not something I want to be ashamed of -- far from it. It is impossibly painful, impossibly difficult, but also something I'm very proud of myself for having had the courage to do. And forgive if any of the below is inelegant. Learning to tell my story clearly, without shame is healing I'm still working on.
And for myself I would like to have my experience written the way I tell it, in addition to the information included in the GRACE report.
While I attended CLCS, I was sexcually abused by Larry Cleek, as detailed by the report. It is an experience I repressed for years. Something I never came forward about because as a child, I believed it was my fault. And as an adult I was ashamed of, and afraid I wouldn't be believed.
As a child, I was taught by CLC and CLCS that it was my job as a woman to do my part and not tempt godly men. I was taught that if anything happened, it was my fault. I had been the temptation, and if I'd been better, if I'd been more godly, then I wouldn't have been attacked.
Children are never a temptation. And I wish someone had told me this. What you wear is never an excuse to hurt you. You are never asking for it. I wish someone had told me this.
As a child, CLC and CLCS never taught the importance of consent. Pastors were allowed to touch you without your permission, lay hands on you with the misplaced protection of god. And so I didn't say anything when he leered at me, didn't say anything when he groped my breasts. And every Sunday when I attended church with my family, before going down to Sunday school, I had to endure having my attacker caress my head, stroke my hair, touch my face in front of everyone without my permission as he "prayed' for the children. And while the entire church saw something godly, I saw proof that he could touch me whenever he wanted, however he wanted, and no one would do a thing.
And in church, while the entire congregation sang the music of Ted Sandquist and felt the lord move in them, I heard music written by a predator. And I believed no one in the church would help.
What the GRACE Report doesn't touch on is the unimaginable pain that also comes with watching others be abused. This is, to this day, what hurts me the most. Being in an environment where you know (even if you can't express it) that children are scared, that the adults either don't see it or refuse to see it. And knowing that you are only a child, but that no one else is helping. So you have to be brave and strong for your sisters and your friends and your classmates. You let someone hurt you and scare you and attack you because maybe, if it's you, it's not going to be the people you love.
When RV1 decided to come forward, my heart broke and all the pain returned, everything I'd repressed for years. Because I tried to help. I tried to protect others as best I could, without any of the tools and all the courage I could find. And it didn't work.
When I told the police my story in 2023, I was told that my experience was classified as Forcible Touching under the NY State penal code. The statute of limitations for this crime is seven years, according to the officer who took my report. I came forward too late to have the police help make sure my attacker never hurt anyone else.
That pain is pain that lingers, and I can only pray that one day it will heal. I am 33 now, and still working on trying to heal this. And what sticks with me the most is, on hearing my story, my therapist asked me "Noelle, where were the adults?"
At first, I didn't know how to answer this question. Adults where there, they just didn't see. Or wouldn't see. Or saw and chose to do nothing. But now I realize this is the answer. Adults who should have protected me were there, and these adults failed me. And this failure is pain I now live with.
So for all the children in the CLC community, I refuse to be an adult who will not look at what's happening and what happened. And all I can do is tell my story and hope that you will hear the following:
Children are never a temptation. An adult should have been there to tell me this. What you wear is never an excuse to hurt you. You are never asking for it. An adult should have been there to tell me this.
And while only one person attacked me, the adults in the CLC community failed me and every other child in their care by not making sure this was the first thing about sex and modesty that was taught.
The idea that my body is god's temple does not remove my absolute right to consent.
The practice of dressing modestly should be done out of self-love, self-respect, and self-value.
It is never the job of any child, nor any adult, to ensure they don't tempt others with their bodies. It doesn't matter what you believe, what you wear, what parts of your body you choose to show. You are never asking for it. I was never asking for it. And no one should have ever made me feel this way.
And I pray that you as elders and members of the CLC community will look honestly at the environment that made it possible for me and children like me to be attacked. Do not overlook the fact that the music you sing is written by a predator. Do not overlook the fact that prominent members of your congregation have been convicted of sexually abusing minors. Do not overlook the fact that, while Larry Cleek is no longer physically a member of your church, during his tenure as a teacher and a pastor he sexcually abused children, and none of you saw it.
I say the above clearly and bluntly not out of a wish to cause pain. I say it to beg you to keep children in your care safe. Should any of you have questions about my experience, I would be willing to speak further. And while I have only included those on the "Our Team" section of the CLC website in this email, please consider this an open letter to the church at large. I have no desire to keep my identity as RV2 a secret.
With the most sincere hope that my story is heard and action to protect the children in your care taken,
Noelle
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